EM Forster once urged us to 'only connect' – make connections between experience of life’s emotions and how those around you are suffering too. Rupert Tillyard has devised a quiz to test just how ‘connected’ you are.

United we stand...

Q1a Your PowerPoint presentation fails to work. Do you:

1. Smoothly move to the overhead projector quipping merrily about technology.
2. Insist the network technician is summoned.
3. Fiddle about for 20 minutes, muttering “It was working earlier.”
4. Cancel the meeting
5. Know that it always fails which is why there’s nothing important on it.

Q1b Now imagine you were in the audience rather than the presenter. Would you:

1. Jump up and try to help, pointing out it worked when you used it.
2. Make sympathetic noises, fetch tea.
3. Nudge your neighbour whispering, “Calls himself a head/technician/adviser/inspector.”
4. Ostentatiously look at your watch.
5. Comment loudly on how you hate PowerPoint anyway, it’s a substitute for thinking etc.

Q2a You have to make a leaving speech and can’t remember the name of the person who’s leaving. Do you:

1. Soldier on – they’re leaving anyway.
2. Soldier on deliberately forgetting other people’s names to cover up.
3. Ask the audience to shout out the leaver’s nicknames.
4. Admit your problem honestly, muttering about senior moments.
5. Carry on regardless; it always happens.

Q2b Now you’re in the audience. Do you:

1. Raise your eyebrows a lot.
2. Giggle uncontrollably.
3. Heckle and deliberately include the name.
4. Make whispered comments about who should really be leaving.
5. Keep very quiet as you’ve got the longest time in the sweepstake.

Q3a One of the year 10 students is talking about holidays. Do you:

1. Refocus the group firmly on the key points of the topic and conduct an effective plenary.
2. Argue about the merits of caravanning, surfing, Disney World etc.
3. Reminisce about childhood holidays in north Wales: a seven-hour journey in a Morris Minor was great fun…
4. Reminisce about your recent holiday at the Ice Hotel in Norway; you won’t believe this but it’s entirely made of ice and…
5. Tell them to read the next chapter and go and make some phone calls.

Q3b You happen along on one of your ‘unplanned observations’ and find the group discussing good films to see at the weekend. They’ve finished the coursework, says the teacher feebly. Do you:

1. Take control, asking the students to fill you in on what they feel they have actually learned.
2. Draw the teacher to one side and take the opportunity to complete the conversation about the spring fair plant stall.
3. Stand speechless with horror.
4. Sing out “Carry on pretend I’m not here” and make copious notes in the corner.
5. Check your PDA for the subject adviser’s extension.

Q4a The Ashes (or Wimbledon, or the European Cup) begins today. You really want to spend all day in front of the telly but it’s a weekday. Do you:

1. Work on as normal.
2. Work on as normal but keep the BBC Sport website open.
3. Work on as normal but tune your earpiece to 5 Live.
4. Work at home.
5. Set your Sky+ to record.

Q4b A major sporting event about which you couldn’t care less begins today. As you happen into A level biology, everyone is clustered around the TV loudly cheering. Do you:

1. Snap off the TV and quiz the class about the learning objectives.
2. Stand speechless with horror.
3. Ask what the score is with an ironic tone.
4. Explain how to project it on to the whiteboard.
5. Mutter darkly about performance management.

Q5a An email about a local conference arrives. Nice hotel, lunch, on a Friday and frankly you won’t have to implement any outcomes. Do you:

1. Email straight back pointing out that you simply do not have time for this kind of thing.
2. Email straight back accepting – it is vital to keep up to date.
3. Do nothing, as usual.
4. Email a neighbouring colleague to see what s/he is doing.
5. Sign up immediately. Leaving just after lunch will make a nice start to the weekend.

Q5b One of the heads of faculty requests permission to attend a local day conference in their subject. Do you:

1. Refuse immediately. Their job is in the classroom and in their department.
2. Check if cover is paid for. Check if they have some free lessons. If the sums add up, agree.
3. Forget to reply, as usual.
4. Wink, pass remarks about days out and quotas.
5. Pass the request to the head of CPD.

Scoring If any pair of answers matches up – you’re a liar!

• Rupert Tillyard is an assistant head in Yorkshire.

Want the last word?

Last Word always welcomes contributions from members. If you’d like to share your humorous observations of school life, email Sara Gadzik at leader@ascl.org.uk ASCL offers a modest honorarium.

Designed with IMPACT

© 2024 Association of School and College Leaders | Valid XHTML | Contact us