2022 Spring Term 1

The know zone

  • The journey to a million
    With UCAS forecasting one million undergraduate applicants by 2025, Kevin Gilmartin examines what this might mean for our school and college leavers over the next few years. More
  • All change for FE?
    Dr Anne Murdoch says government proposals for funding and accountability changes in FE are welcome, but they mustn't fall short of what's required. More
  • Climate change
    Hayley Dunn highlights the key initiatives in the government's new Sustainability and Climate Change Strategy for Education. More
  • Stay out of trouble
    Jacques Szemalikowski urges members to check their pension statements and pay any taxes if they breach their annual pension allowance. More
  • Words of wisdom
    We often try to share a few wise words of wisdom with you - sometimes to help inspire you and at times, just to keep you going. Here, ASCL members share sayings, quotes, and prayers that help them get through life. More
  • May the force be with you
    Deputy Headteacher, Jo Rowley says ASCL Council offers great, nationwide networking opportunities as well as the chance to debate and reflect on the latest issues. Here, she shares her passion for Council and her encounter with Darth Vader. More
  • The gripes of wrath
    Along with death and taxes, the only other certainty in life is that you'll receive annoyingly unreasonable complaints, says Carl Smith, who has put together this guide to help you deal with them (not that he's grumbling about things, you understand). More
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Along with death and taxes, the only other certainty in life is that you’ll receive annoyingly unreasonable complaints, says Carl Smith, who has put together this guide to help you deal with them (not that he’s grumbling about things, you understand).

The gripes of wrath

1. My child would never lie to me 

Of course not, Mrs Geppetto. Yes, I am sure you could tell straight away if little Pinocchio had fibbed, but can you explain to me why the 300 pupils who actually saw him dropping the yoghurt over Jiminy’s blazer were all lying? Oh, I see, they were all picking on him. Well, in that case – if it’s all right with you – I’ll leave you to ring his parents. 

2. I have never known such incompetence 

I know, Mr Towers. I cannot imagine how Alton was left off the list for the theme park trip, apart, of course, from the fact that his deposit was six months late. Yes, I understand his life is now in tatters. Perhaps, next time, you could pay before the deadline or, alternatively, take him yourself? 

3. Are you saying my child looks ugly? 

No, Mrs Boo, Betty looks lovely with fluorescent green hair but you must understand it isn’t part of our uniform code. Yes, I know that under the Universal Declaration of Human Rights she has the right to freedom of expression but I don’t think this is what the United Nations had in mind. By all means go to the papers; could I recommend they take the traditional photo of Betty standing in the foreground looking miserable and you standing in the background looking angry? Alternatively, why not just wash it out? 

4. You are ruining my child’s life 

To be fair, Mr Newton, Isaac was ungraded on his mock physics paper, so maybe Mr Hawking had every reason to drop him down a set. Yes, I understand he has a different learning style to other students and that his heart is set on reading astrophysics at Cambridge but there were 30 other students in the class who did much better than him. Maybe you could suggest which one of them we should drop down a set instead? 

5. You’re picking on my child 

You must understand, Mr Terrible, that your son Ivan has picked up 850 behaviour points this term and I’m sure they weren’t all mistaken identity. Yes, I know he has anger management issues but I’m afraid that doesn’t excuse threatening to ‘kick someone’s head in’. I don’t doubt you would have done the same thing in his shoes but we still can’t allow it. Thank you for being so understanding, and if you also wouldn’t mind taking down that TikTok post in which you threaten to ‘kick my head in’, I would be most grateful. 

6. I’m going to the governors/Ofsted/Secretary-General of the UN 

You can write to Ofsted if you like, Mr Preposterous, though I doubt they will take a view on your daughter Utterli’s detention for being 40 minutes late to period five. I know Mr Baldrick held her back for two minutes at the end of his history lesson but what about the other 38 minutes? Of course... the Chief Inspector’s name is Amanda Spielman, and I am sure she will be most interested to hear from you.

Want the last word?

Last Word always welcomes contributions from members. If you’d like to share your humorous observations of school life, email Permjit Mann at leader@ascl.org.uk ASCL offers a modest honorarium.

Carl Smith is Principal at Casterton College Rutland (CCR)

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