Just what are the rules on the number of Ofsted categories, asks Carl Smith? Here, he shares his own ideas on how the inspectorate could review the current number. 

Categorically speaking 

Most school leaders have been in the stocks. Apparently, it means you’re a good sport, although precisely what part of being pelted with wet sponges by a random group of Year 9s means you have a sense of humour has never been clear to me. Perhaps I just don’t have a sense of humour. 

The educational equivalent of being in the stocks is being put in an Ofsted category, but this time it’s not Year 9 throwing the sponges. Requiring improvement? It’s the stocks for you then. Parents, here are the rotten vegetables – putrefied parsnip anyone? 

This medieval approach to behaviour management has its merits. It’s a crowd pleaser for a start. Nothing draws a crowd quicker than a spot of public humiliation. It makes everyone feel a bit better about themselves. These days, you could save on the veg and go for the electronic version instead, otherwise known as Facebook. In other words, you can post your parsnips without spending a penny… and that’s not a sentence I’ve written before. 

Not everyone is a fan of Ofsted categories. Let me rewrite that. Not anyone is a fan of Ofsted categories. Except parents, at least according to Ofsted. 

Magic number? 

So, what is to be done? Create more categories I hear no-one cry. Well let’s give it a go, just for fun. How about ten categories ranging from outstanding**, outstanding*, outstanding, good, quite good, okay (ish), fair to middling, a bit dodgy, car crash and pants. I quite like the idea of working in a fair to middling school though I’d give the pants a miss... and that’s not a sentence I’ve written before either. Or maybe not. 

How about just two categories? Pass and fail. A bit like an MOT. Not subtle but it gets the job done. Sorry mate, your school failed this time because of a broken headlight, err I mean curriculum. I can give you a new curriculum, but it’ll cost I’m afraid. I can fit it for you next Tuesday.

Those that passed could have a sign above the door, just like licensees. This school is licensed to teach children. Or why not add their DfE number? 154/6328: Licensed to Teach with the motto ‘shaken, not stirred’. 

The problem is that parents think categories tell them which are the good schools, so in the supermarket of schools they can avoid the own brands on the bottom shelf and go for the brands on display at about waist height. Of course, there will be a few luxury items on the top shelf, but most people would just be told to ‘BOGOF’. 

It’s all about consumer choice you see, but because schools are free, the state must find another way of pricing the market. Ofsted categories are the price. It’s the school equivalent of ‘comparethemarket’ but without the meerkats. 

Or how about just having one big category called ‘doing their best under impossible circumstances’? Every report would read, “this school contains people dedicating their professional lives to helping others, working ludicrous hours for not much money, but still caring for the most vulnerable people in society. They all deserve a medal.” 

Areas to Improve: Support them more in the future. 

Carl Smith is Principal at Casterton College in Rutland  

Want the last word? 

Last Word always welcomes contributions from members. If you’d like to share your humorous observations of school life, email Permjit Mann at leader@ascl.org.uk ASCL offers a modest honorarium.

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